(& remember)

Today, I caught myself thinking I need someone who will listen without judgement, someone I can call home and I remembered what couples in steady (healthy) relationships advise: how you shouldn't be in a relationship when you're vulnerable or when you're looking for a specific kind of person to deal with your personal shit. I find myself besieged by the feeling of loss, a spiky, hard-boiled resentment towards everyone and every possible art form that has ever fucking preached this message.

As much as I advocate a healthy relationship and the importance of finding and permanently residing in that sane space before you commit to taking care of another human being, the argument that you must not depend or expect or, god forbid, carve out a specific role for your human fails to impress mostly because it's unrealistic, the at of cleaving completely natural, and because I fail to understand how a functioning relationship works without a level of co-dependence.

I've mentally berated myself for relying on an ex-lover, for depending on him, for wanting to be a bigger part of his life, for being dissatisfied with what time he could/would (let's not bicker) set aside for me. In the end, I pulled the plug and realized that I needed something more than the vague promise of seeing each other 'next week' (it was always next week) and for those who have never heard me say it before: I did it. I broke up with him. And then, yes, I begged for him to come back. Kudos to my exlover for never taking another step back toward me. It would never have worked and here's why: because despite the garrulous objections toward a co-dependent kind of love, here it is, I need it. I need to depend on someone. I need someone in my life everyday. And let me be clear: everyday means every single day. At least once every twenty-four hours. I need someone who will check up on me once in a while, who will care about the commute, who will say let's have lunch on a Tuesday (or if he's a real keeper, on a Monday).

I think we end up creating needs that only a specific romantic partner will provide; it can be something trivial (like someone who arranges your socks)  or something completely life-changing (someone whose opinion matters enough to sway your choice of residence or career path or meal order). I want that. I crave that. I'm not going to beat around the bush and deny that twenty years or so of socialization hasn't made me want that. I say all this because I don't want to be a commitment-phobe. I don't want to be afraid of my needs. I never want to be ashamed of what I need. I never want to feel pressured into unnecessarily or evilly compromising my expectations. Even as I type this, it feels harsh and already I second-guess myself.

And by co-dependence, I include the corollary: I also advocate giving in to your partner's quirks provided it doesn't hurt anyone. I advocate relying on each other because you want to, because you trust each other enough to provide these things, because it is the space between you that you fill with these needs and wants and these harmless little inside jokes. I advocate co-dependence in a sense that I want to be relied upon and I want to fulfill my end of the bargain: I want to be there. It sounds strange and a little selfish but there it is. A little violence is always beautiful.