(what cannot pass as) Recompense

"Not sure how to feel about this."

Since I was old enough to register the somber monotone of regret, to separate it from feeling cheated or hurt or devastated or, simply, angry, I've always felt as though I owed this cousin an apology. As children, he spent summers in our company (we live in a neighboring province so he saw it as a vacation of sorts) but my brother and I saw him as something of a goofball, a second-class citizen. It pains me to admit to alienating him, to treating him less than how he should have been treated, for being the hard-ass who perpetuated certain masculine myths. I don't know how to apologize for any of this.

The screenshot above was from a fairly recent conversation. I'm keeping a close eye on his online activities (as much as I can) because he's so far removed from my little bubble of power that I am anxious for him to discover the world and join me/join us (my brother and I) on a platform of equals. I'm waiting for him to graduate from college, maybe get a job, maybe.

The apology isn't the only thing I owe him. (I'm afraid that no one can properly apologize for the cruelty of children and childhood) I owe him explanations and I owe him and my other cousins a little respect. This is how I know I have a long way to go before I can become who I should be.